I shouldn't have sex when I'm drunk

I can't stop thinking about A and how I can remember only half the night and I never even saw his dick but I know he had really smooth balls and I wish his twitter wasn't private so I could stalk him better.

I wish I could sleep but all I think about is Sunday night. I was this way with D, too, and that's gone away, so I'm hoping this subsides. 

And M and I are talking again, so there's that. Great. 

I smell like latex and regret. 

I was hoping tonight could be the night. But R2 is coming after all. Damn. 

The ever-present idiocy

I should be sleeping instead of waiting for a text that will never come 

Well.

I think M cheated on me with R. I guess I don't have a right to be particularly angry, especially because of D and everything, but still. I wouldn't have expected him to do that. Plus I think R told him that I am considering the break up when I was on vacation. I don't think R was really my friend in the end, which sucks major dick. She just left for a job in DC and I was sad to see her go but now I'm kind of over it. I thought I really had a friend here, and once again, I was wrong. I do still have V but she doesn't know my life right now like R did. Ugh. I want to go back home but there's nothing for me there besides loneliness and eventual depression.

I had a dream last night that M told me about R and that he also slept with C but I only told him about C this morning. Then I saw him texting R while we were watching a movie. I am a horrible girlfriend but I need to know what he said because he kept his phone very private after that. Again, I know I don't have a right to be angry or upset but I am. 

No more

It's was exciting, it was risky, it was new. We were gonna go again but D backed out. I almost tried to coerce him but then I realized how horrible that is. I wish we could do it again. But now I know more than ever that M and I won't last much longer. I'm a bad person but I liked the new experience. 

Cheater

I can't stop thinking about last night. I really enjoyed it. D seemed to enjoy it. We talked this morning and as I left I said 'See ya later' and he replied '...in bed' soo maybe he is real about doing it again. I just wish I could talk to someone about it. We agreed that it would stay between us but I just don't know if I can keep it buried. T keeps telling me about her night last night with R and C and how guilty/not guilty she feels and I feel the exact same way but I really can't tell her. Ugh. I don't regret it. I just don't like that we did it with M in the same house. 

Oh no.

I just did a bad. A really really big bad. But I only feel half guilty about it. 

What!

I just ordered a dildo online.  I am a little drunk which added to the ability to finally be able to do it.  I am excited now, who knows how I'll be in a few days when it arrives.

Birthday

Shit I'm at one of my friends birthday parties and this guy that I've known since kindergarten is here and I had a HUGE crush on him then and feelings are coming back fuck. 

!

Got my Glad Rag pad today.  I only ordered one + 2 inserts so if I don't like it, I didn't waste too much money.  It was kinda expensive but in the long run, it will be worth it.  I assume.  Hope the Diva Cup gets here soon.

Don't ask me

Sometimes when I tweet things I just want them to be tweets, I don't need anyone to text me asking about it. Matt if I wanted to tell you I thought I was getting sick i would've texted you. 

menstruation nation

I've decided to start making the switch to eco-friendly menstrual products.  I've just ordered a holder & 2 inserts from GladRags and am planning on getting a Diva Cup as well.  I went with GladRags because it was cheapest & I've heard good things about them.  Depending on how well the Diva Cup works, I might get more pads, but I'm hoping that the cup won't need any back up protection.  I'm excited to try something new!

loneliness

I really shouldn't be left alone at night.  I get slightly depressed, I wonder why no one ever asks me to hang out, I count my friends on one hand.  My roommate pisses me off sometimes (most of the time) but I still like when she's home, then I'm not alone.  Ok, I'll amend this.  I don't mind being alone.  When I choose to be.  But right now, I am just covered in loneliness and it's eating me apart.

-M

oops

I have a crush on a manager at work. This isn't good.

anxiety

I don't usually claim anxiety, but I suppose I do have it to a degree.  I always have a nagging voice telling me that my friends don't really want to be my friends or that they only hang out with me because they feel bad for me and shit like that.  It's really upsetting but even as I write this I can't say 100% that I don't believe that voice.

I also get super anxious in cars when other people are driving.  I need to close my eyes; I always feel like they're going to crash.  I honestly don't know where this came from.  Probably just being in college where no one understands the rules of the road.  I feel bad because I even get nervous in my parents' car, even though they've both been driving for 30+ years and are pretty dang good at it.  The winter and snow definitely haven't helped anything.

-M

Post 1

I have trouble keeping a written journal, and I've had minor success with livejournal in the past, so maybe this will work out.

I have lots on my mind and I have so much trouble expressing it.  I starting drawing in a sketchbook that I had for a class but don't need anymore; it's nothing ~emotional~ right now but who knows, maybe I'll be the next van Gogh.  Poetry is also not a strong suit of mine, whenever I reread it I want to throw up from how terribly I put my words together.  Even this makes me uncomfortable.

The Words, Nerds, Turds title is kinda dumb but it's pretty much my whole life: quotes, geeky things, and pooping.  Also popping zits.  Just got one from my ear.

Anyway I'll probably incorporate those four things as well as food, stuff about my partner, beer...literally anything.  My tumblr is nekkidgrandma.tumblr.com if you hate yourself.

-M